He avoids me for God

Dear BMW,

My boyfriend of two years is saved and can speak in 100 tongues. He consults the heavens whenever he is in a tight situation. He prays before sex and calls his pastor or prophet ‘Daddy’ and the prophet’s wife ‘Mamma or Mammi’.

Months can pass without him touching me and when I ask him as why, he gives the lamest excuse: “I do not want you to awaken my bodily cravings. I need God everyday to help me stay away from lust.”

He also does not want us to go out to parties or to meet new friends because he says short skirts, tight blouses and slit dresses are all over town.

In bed, he is a one minute man and cries like a baby that I am too sweet like Orange Squash. BMW, my man is Mr Boring, because if this is not boring then what is it?

I do not want to be saved, but I love my bring Holy Joe to bits.

What do I do with him?

Tied-to-prayer

Via e-mail

Hello, Mrs Tied-to-Prayer,

Your husband, it appears, is just too weak in bed for you, and seems to find all the excuses in the world and heavens. Why bring in God for his inefficiencies in between the sheets?

Before thinking I am just cooking this up from the cloud up my head—the brain—there is so much evidence that your man is a lazy bones where giving you satisfaction is concerned. What more evidence would you need of a non-performer than one who lays his wife once in a blue moon?

Indeed, mufuna bwanji umboni wina wa mlesi than he that cries like a baby when he is onto his one minute job? If he feels you are like Orange Juice, one day, I will not be surprised if he will ask to dilute you so that he can have a lot more of your sweetness!

Like it or not, your hubby is just a blind follower of religion. He is the kind that forced the other philosopher to liken religion to opium. If religion is the opium of the people, then your better half is really high on some low class opium!

Listen, and listen good, how can he tell you in the face that he doesn’t want you to arouse his lust? The Bible, from cover to cover, speaks against adultery, fornication and other sexual vices. It makes one exception: Sex should be within the boundaries of the marriage bed. How can one lust after his wife?

Now, you ask me what you should do with this karanga…. The ball is in your court. Others in a situation like yours find other avenues, while not terminating the contract with such ungrateful men. I cannot tell you to do likewise.

The first step can be to go to your marriage counselor, assuming you have one. Then, you can confront his ‘Daddy’ or ‘Mammi’ and tell them their spiritual son is leading you into the temptation of infidelity. Otherwise, a knock on the divorce lawyer’s door is not a very bad idea either.

***

No woman should die single, can I help?

Dear BMW,

Having read an entry in one of Nation On Sunday editions about a lady who is afraid to go to the village for fear of being ridiculed because she is single, I am baffled.

So I am willing to help the lady.

Biggy, I am divorced man of 34, working and really looking for a better half. Can you connect me to this lady by providing contacts if possible?

Hello offerer,

Thank you very much for your offer. I guess it’s an offer the lady in question my seriously consider. I hope she will be hitting my inbox so that I can hook you two up. Biggy, indeed, would not love to exist in a world where some live in lonesome misery when there are a lot of willing people to ease their pains a little.

NOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 998-110-975. No calls please!

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