I have knocked up a night queen

Dear BMW,

I have impregnated a prostitute and I do not know how to tell my wife. I have tried to discuss this issue with my friends but all they can do is laugh at me.

I met the woman last year at a birthday party of my friend. I could not resist the way she was dressed: tight pants, crop top and long hair down her shoulders. Her bottom really stood out of the crowd.

By end of the party I was driving her to a hideout to rock her world while my colleagues were driving home to their families.

For the past six months, I have been meeting her in secret having sex marathons. I only learnt last month from my friends that the woman I was bragging about giving me out-of-this-world bj’s sells sex at night at Kachere Township in Blantyre.

While I am still digesting the news, I have also learnt that the woman is expecting my child. The woman wants me to marry her and start providing full support like paying her rentals, bills and ensuring that she does not run out of food and groceries. Or else my wife will know that she exists, and that she is carrying my child.

I am devastated. What should I do?

BN, via WhatsApp, Blantyre

Dear BN,

Amwene, wakufa saopa kuwola. The deed is done. The caution that you are exercising now should have been applied before, and not after venturing condomless into that pit. But that is neither here nor there because I am not here to judge you.

Remember when the Pharisees brought that prostitute to Jesus and he knelt down to write down his thoughts on the sand? What happened when the Pharisees read the message? Ataona anathawa.

But I digress (like I always do. I ramble a lot so excuse my near-drunken lethargy, I’m getting old).

So, let’s get back to the issue at hand. You, sir, have made a prostitute pregnant and you seek my counsel.

First sir, allow me to get this off my throat lest I choke: Sir, you’re a stupid man.

We all have laid (is that even proper English?) prostitutes. But who goes into a rainstorm without a raincoat? And gets surprised when they get wet? I think you missed a key part of your adolescence years. Izi mwaziwonera ku ukulu.

I promised not to judge you (but I couldn’t resist that jab).

Now your issue with the lady of the night is quite simple. It’s too late to do anything but face up to your responsibilities as a prospective father. (I really hope you’re sure that the child is yours because…you never know when you are dealing with a night queen)

And I hope your have checked your sero-status because that is a bigger issue at hand than the child you are expecting. But again, that is a lesser danger than the danger that is lurking in your home.

While Aids will takes ages to kill you (and with ARV drugs nowadays, not at all), the risk of your wife killing you upon hearing this news is the clear and present danger.

So, tread carefully my brother. Tread carefully.

The long and short of this is that you have to come clean because you’re a dead man walking. Whatever option you choose to take.

My advice is: pack your bags and move in with the prostitute. This is a choice you made. Live with it.

Osamchebwetsa ine.

Big Man Wamkulu

NOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 998-110-975. No calls please!

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