Before I got married five years ago, I had a serious boyfriend from college. He left me for another woman — a drunk — and I was devastated. I moved on, married and now I am happy with my husband.
Then life did a strange thing: the man who broke my heart and the woman he left me for moved into a house just around the corner. He drives past sometimes and waves. I have never spoken to him, yet seeing him has stirred feelings I thought were long dead. I have wet dreams about him and sometimes imagine kissing him like we used to. I even suggested to my husband that we move, but I can’t bring myself to tell him why.
Should I move out of Lilongwe?
— Coco Girl, Area 49, Lilongwe
Dear Coco Girl,
You have written with a kind of honesty that makes this column worth the ink. Let me start by saying something simple: feeling a stir when an old lover reappears does not make you a bad wife. Memory and desire are messy; they arrive uninvited and do not ask whether we are happily married before knocking.
That said, moving house because an ex lives nearby is a dramatic cure for what is usually a temporary ache. It would uproot your husband and the life you’ve built for a temptation that, for now, is mostly a memory and a passing sightline. Before you hand your life over to a feeling, try to understand what the feeling is about. Are you longing for the man, or for the version of yourself you were then — younger, freer, less settled? Sometimes what we miss is not the person but the possibility we once imagined.
You don’t have to confess every stray thought to your husband — honesty is not the same as confession theatre — but you do owe him the truth if this is changing your behaviour or your peace of mind. A quiet, steady line like, “I’ve been unsettled by seeing someone from my past,” invites support without drama. If you hide and the urge grows, the secrecy will do more damage than the truth ever could.
Practical boundaries will help. Don’t create encounters: change your walking route, stop lingering at the gate and resist the temptation to watch the street. If he waves, let it be a wave and nothing more. Curiosity is a hungry thing; it feeds on small indulgences. Starve it of those indulgences and it will shrink.
Turn the energy into something that strengthens the life you already have. Rekindle small rituals with your husband — a weekly walk, a shared meal without phones, a new hobby together. Newness and attention are the best antidotes to nostalgia. If the fantasies persist or you find yourself planning contact, speak to a counsellor. A neutral listener helps you see whether this is a passing disturbance or a sign of deeper dissatisfaction.
You say you are happy and in love. That is a strong foundation. Temptation tests foundations; it does not have to topple them. Hold your life where it is, shore up your boundaries, and give time a chance to settle the dust. If you want, tell me one small thing you and your husband do together each week — sometimes the smallest rituals are the strongest anchors.
— BMW
