Dear BMW,
I am 28 and newly-married. My wife and I have the usual problems couples face. She annoys me, I annoy her. She asks for money, I often give her, but sometimes I pretend to be poor. Yet, I would immediately go out with my friends to drink and never return home that night.
We have a happy home and I try my best to make her and our two kids happy.
Of course, I have several side dishes, including the new maid and I think my wife suspects about the maid, but she has no concrete proof.
Now the issue is, last week, I woke up at 2am and found her sitting in bed staring at me with a murderous look on her face.
Do you think she has discovered my escapades? Should I confess before she does something silly?
Please help,
Rodrick, via WhatsApp, Blantyre
Dear Rodrick,
Regarding this small matter, every woman has time and again considered strangling her man — because he snores, is stingy, cheats, lazy, hopeless in bed, snores, farts, or she just regrets marrying the lousy bastard instead of that cute guy in college. So stop imagining you are special!
And take it from me, no matter how good you will be to her, she will still wake up in the middle of the night, knife in hand planning something sinister. They all do that.
All married men out there know that finding her staring at you in the middle of the night is child’s play. This gender can go an extra mile sometimes by locking you out of your house so that bandits deal with you.
They even report you to your bosses that you have been stealing company money because you cheated on them. Cholinga akuchotse ntchito.
They sometimes report you to church elders for ogling your maid’s nyashi. Cholinga maliro ako adzakhale opanda mpingo.
If you dare refuse to give her money, she can report you to the police that you threatened to run her over with the car. But guess who will be the first to bail you out? It’s them. They are the kindest creatures on earth. They are loving as hell.
So do not stress over her. She is not going stab or kill you. All married women wake up at night with that devilish look but still prepare a hearty, hot and yummy breakfast!
That said, always sleep with one eye open. Pena akhoza kudzakuvulaza!
Good night!
Big Man Wamkulu
