Marriage counsellor wants me to dump my wife

Dear BMW,

I am 32. My wife, 28, and I had some family problems due to poor financial management. We, therefore, sought help.

Our marriage counsellor, alangizi at church, is an older lady aged 40 with big eyes, soft mahogany skin and large breasts. She offered to help us. Oh she did.

She is friends with my wife. And it was my wife who insisted that she be the one to help us fix our overspending habits. So, don’t blame her on this one.

Her raspy voice is too sexy and soothing for her age.

The first day I saw her, I fell head over heels for her. Instead of dreading counselling sessions, I started looking forward to meeting her to see and hear her voice. And from last month, I started visiting her without my wife. As I write, she and I are having an affair now.

To cut a long story short, the ‘acrobatics’ with her are amazing and she talks and cries in bed unlike my wife who lies on her back like a log and only cries because of a headache.

Further, our alangizi is very demanding and wants to see me every week. My wife likes to ‘see’ me once a month. So, although our marriage counsellor has brought me so much joy, her demands are scaring me. What is even worse is she has been suggesting that I should leave my wife for her! Pali cha nzeru apa?

Help, please.

Kenny, Area 49 Gulliver, Lilongwe.

Hey Kenny,

Enjoy it while it lasts. A man, they say, must have an occupation of some kind. Be faithful to this occupation you have found.

They also say wachitatu ndi wosokoneza. Don’t share your family problems with a third party. Amaonatu pavunda khola!

One thing you have to be careful with is not to listen to her when she says leave your wife. Look, by being in an affair with you, knowing fully well you are married, should send warning signals up your head. Yoweta tinasiya kugula pamsika.

You can imagine, she is great friends with your wife. What can stop her from dating your best friend when you are joined in holy matrimony?

Enjoy it while it lasts, I repeat. But it is funny what we men fall for in women. Raspy voice. Cries in bed. Big breasts!

All in all, you seem to have no problem with your wife worth a divorce. Which court can grant you a divorce simply because your wife doesn’t cry? Grow up.

You only have to swallow the venom of your own spleen here, if she wants to see you more often. Satisfy her soul, as a man. Munaziyamba dala akulu. NOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 888-209-027. No calls please!