Men dying in silence

When a mechanic disguised as Anwell was tired of being bossed around by his wife, he penned his pent-up emotions onto a tearful note before his body was found hanging in his maize field.
“Dear Mum,” reads his suicide note. “I know I have wronged you and my two children. It is a bitter pill, but please swallow it so that I go well.”
Anwell complained that he had lived a miserable life for two years since his wife was employed as a teacher.
“Our marital life ceased to matter to her. She has made sure I do not touch her. I cannot take this any longer. Allow me to leave so that my wife enjoys all the peace to herself,” he wrote, imploring her mother to take care of his son and daughter.
Anwell’s tragic death shocked many, especially his friends and relatives who knew him as a strong-willed, cheerful character.

Until his death early this month, the man had been married for 12 years.
Neighbours remember the couple for their infectious smiles that charmed nearly everyone around them.
But cracks started widening when his wife got employed, says Anwell’s brother who opted for anonymity.
The deceased’s sibling says the man, formerly a breadwinner for the family, felt belittled when the woman became bossy.
“She was all over him, taunting him for his meagre income,” he narrates. “Sadly, our brother chose to keep everything under wraps.”
The man wishes friends and family members had intervened “to break the silence”.
“Who will take care of his children now?” he asks, rubbing off tears.
Typical of many Malawian men, Abel chose to suffer in isolation.
Both government agents and activists are worried that men rarely share their suicidal thoughts, including gender-based violence (GBV), because they grow up being told men do not cry in public.
The cultural belief forces men to bottle up their mental agony though a problem shared is half solved.
This false superiority complex is sending hundreds to their graves, leaving behind dependents in agony, says mental health counselor Patricia Singini.
The founder of Ticia Counseling Centre says the deeply- entrenched social norms that encourage male chauvinism constitute a recipe for suicidal behavior among men affected by GBV.
The psychotherapist explains why the nation ought to unlearn this: “Men are accorded a very high status in society, but this superiority comes with a cost.
“When they have issues, they fail to open up as it is assumed that they have everything under their control, so they are not in any way supposed to express their emotions and seek help. Consequently, their emotions are mostly vented in wrong ways such as suicide.”
Singini believes that opening up to friends and family members could help reduce GBV-connected suicides.
“Societal and cultural structures offer individuals in crisis love, comfort and belongingness if they share their problems,” she explains.
She calls on change agents to widely sensitise Malawians to a new gender-based management approach to GBV and mental health.
Singini argues that the involvement of men in gender issues is important as they are not only perpetrators, but also victims like any other.
Government and its partners support victim support units (VSUs) in all police stations nationwide to give GBV survivors a safe space regardless of their sex and age.
However, police say men keep shunning the safe space, preferring to suffer in silence.
Deputy police spokesperson Harry Namwanza says VSUs’ doors are open to men and women as they are specially designed to protect the privacy of the victims regardless of their gender.
He explains: “Our VSUs are run by experts trained in counselling. For the sake of privacy and dignity, only one person is allowed entry at a time.
“But if need arises, we allow both a husband and a wife to enter for counseling.”
He says there is need for men in trouble to break the silence.
This would help the country dial back suicide rates and GBV, he states.

Men in trouble
Police report that 208 people committed suicide between January and August this year, but 168 were males and 40 were females.
During the same period last year, men accounted for 147 of 160 people who took their lives. Only 13 were female.
The security agency revealed that marital issues and broken relationships are the main triggers of these suicides.
For people grieving the loss of their beloved to this heartbreaking suicide wave, the time has come to review cultural norms that leave men to their devices instead of seeking help from trusted friends and relatives.
They say gone are the days the adage mwamuna salira (a man should always persevere) meant everything to men, for why should one maintain a false smile while the heart is breaking down? n