My wife is cold in bed

Dear BMW,

I am a jobless married man and I love sex so much but I am starving to death because I can’t have it at home. My wife of five years is always moody and tired. When she gives in, I must confess the lovemaking is boring and terrible like I slept with a log. There are no movements, no moaning, no grinding, no mumbling. There is literary no response from her.

Yet when we were dating, this woman was a hurricane in bed. She would shake the house and turn the bedroom upside down. Like lightening my loins would be lit. Like Amalinze the cat, the greatest wrestler described by Chinua Achebe in his book Things Fall Apart, her back would not touch the ground. That was her. Every time we were at it I would sweat the whole night until she would collapse with joy.

Not anymore.

When I confronted her to find out why she has grown so cold towards sex and is terrible at it, she lashed at me, saying she is tired with our ‘two-minute’ sessions, lack of foreplay and romance. She also blamed me for letting her down when it comes to taking care of the family.

BWM, I have been jobless for four years and she is the one who is running the home by paying rent, bills, school fees and buying food. While I accept that she is indeed tired emotionally, I expect her to understand that I also have cravings which she has to take care of.

Am I asking too much from her? I do not want to cheat on her, please help tioneko kusintha!

Webster, via WhatsApp, Mzuzu


Dearest Webster,

Pepani, palibe zoti muona kusintha apa. Whether your girl is terrible at giving blow jobs, kissing or she simply can’t get the rhythms right while on top, telling her outright that her sex store is boring and needs to be worked on is probably not the best way.

A lot of women lose their sex drive when the man is perpetually bloke. Do you think a woman would grind you, moan with pleasure, and light the house with you when she is thinking about where the next meal will come from?

Bro, in plain language this woman does not enjoy having sex with you. You are a broken man.

When sex is not pleasurable for a woman, she responds by withdrawing and shutting down sexually.  In case you do not know, sex is not fun for many a woman, because not only are her sexual needs not being met adequately, but neither are her emotional needs and for the woman, both are equally important.

For some women, they go through so much ahead of having a period, while others have terrible stomach cramps. So imagine asking such a woman for sex? Man, don’t make me angry.

A lot of couples are not aware that the sexual needs and biological responses of men and women are quite different and it is essential that they understand these crucial differences to have a sexual relationship that is equally satisfying for both partners. Solving her sex drive problem should be a joint effort. It should not rest on her shoulders alone. So, take matters into your own hands and make sex irresistible for her.

So the question is how can you do that? Well, by getting a job, idiot.

You see, men today do not want to work. They chest beat as if they have money when they are being fed by their wives. So, get a job man.

You and your likes think work is full-time, white collar job. No. Go for some menial jobs and earn something for your family. The easiest jobs around are plenty; washing cars, polishing people’s shoes and emptying waste bins. Washing cars is the easiest; find an old tin, draw water from a broken sewer line, take one of your old boxers from your locker and hooray you will be taking home K5 000 for washing people’s cars!

I urge you to get your hands dirty before you come again to me to ask if you can get your ‘thing’ dirty from your wifey. Work man, go and work. Leave that woman alone, she doesn’t want sex from you or anybody. She is a busy woman who wants to feed her kids.

Ulesi basi.

Big Man Wamkulu

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