My wife over dresses in bed, is it fair?

Dear BMW,

Call me petty, but when a wife sleeps in six layers of clothes is it not worthy calling ankhoswe? You see, my wife of six years has turned herself into a pile of kaunjika, all in the name of the cold weather.

At first, I understood her because in Blantyre the weather has been so bad that minimum temperatures would hit 8 degrees Celsius at night. But since last week the weather has improved and it’s getting warmer each passing night, yet my woman still goes to bed in six layers of clothes claiming she does not want to freeze in her sleep.

You and I know that in the throes of passion it is not easy to undress a woman. The bra is actually the trickiest. So, imagine when you are burning with lust being tasked to remove between four to six pieces of attire before coming anywhere near the centre of gravity. Is it fair?

Biggy, I know my rights. So, can you please tell my wife and other women to reduce piling up to say 3-5 pieces?

Am I asking for too much?

Rodney, via WhatsApp, Soche East

Dear MK,

No Mickey, you are within your birthrights to ask your wife to reduce the clothes she wears to bed. This problem is a common one and we have to deal with it. Most married Malawian women do not know how to dress when going to bed. Some dress like stuffed animals, others like clowns.

My first wife used to dress like she is a mechanic; in overalls, while the second one used to sleep commando. Very few, dress in sexy lingerie or put on the sexy mikanda (network). So we have a huge task to educate our partners, that the bedroom is not a mine (m’godi) where you have to wear protective clothing.

If you recall, there was a female minister in this country that used to go around telling women to sleep without panties to reduce defilement cases in their respective communities, and ensure that their men are ‘happy’ at night. What did Malawians do to her? They laughed and heckled her. Yet, she had a point. You see, women who go to bed fully clothed deny their husbands conjugal rights, making them unhappy at work. A ‘starved man is an angry man, they say. If people want to live happily, I think ‘national reconciliation’ should always start in bed.

If you look around you will see people gossiping a lot and hate on one another because they are unfulfilled in their lives. People who are lacking basic things such as sex are angry people. This part of anger starts at the family level. When a man leaves the house unhappy, he cannot serve his country well. He cannot be a good boss.

So, let me caution all women in this country against neglecting their husbands because women are the unifying factor in the family. Sleeping commando does not only spice up your married life, but it has health benefits, too, some idle health experts say.

That said, I also think it is unfair to ask a woman to sleep butt naked on a cold, cold night. Although, she married you, she, too, has rights. She is not an animal to be sleeping ‘bwamuse’ on a winter night just to please you.

You see, a man who is strong in bed does not mind the number of layers between him and his better half.

Real men rip 20 layers of clothes apart in seconds to get there. But there are certain men, like you, no amount of clothes—less or more, saucy or sexy will turn you on. So the issue is not clothes here, but you. You are not being man enough.

You need to rise to the occasion! Ulesi basi.

Big Man Wamkulu.