One of these days I came across a post on social media where a lady was complaining of the huge responsibility placed upon her in her family. In her words, for her extended family to eat, they rely on her salary and businesses. Several of her extended family members’ children also rely on her for tuition.
Now that sounds like a very good human being. But I had a few questions for this particular lady. My first question to her was: “Are all extended members of the family sick? Do they have serious disabilities that stop them from hustling and taking care of themselves and their children? When these family members make babies, do they consult her to check if she can afford another baby?”
In all these questions her responses were no. These family members are well-bodied and energetic. “But they are poor and they did not go to school,” she told me.
I must say, while I appreciate being a family’s pillar and all that, it is important to never forget, abandon oneself all in the name of being the family’s pillar.
One thing that I have observed about this tendency of being everyone’s saviour is that one tend to forget themselves and become obsessed with providing answers and solutions to everyone’s challenges while ignoring and abandoning themselves.
I have ever seen people ignoring their health, diet and personal hygiene and grooming because they are working too hard and saving every penny to help their extended family. At the end of the day, we must always remember that for you to be the person that everyone relies on, you must be happy, healthy and thriving.
So, when the first penny arrives in your account, be selfish and take care of yourself. Go to that saloon, get that massage, get that pair of shoes you have always wanted. Go to the doctor and to get thoroughly tested and make sure that you get enough sleep. And most important, avoid those loans.
If you have always wanted to go on vacation, get that ticket and go.
This tendency of abandoning oneself because ‘aliyense kwathu amadalira ine’ sometimes grows and becomes a monster because we keep feeding it.
When some of these ridiculous suggestions come, be able to say no. You come first and for people to be able to enjoy your benevolence, you should be good and happy.
And one thing that many of us forget is that when we die in the process, the so called helpless extended family members move on with their lives and survive just fine.
Also, when we do too much we encourage laziness. Why should two adults make babies and expect the ‘family saviour’ to take care of everything? When the babies were being made, what was the plan? I can understand when life happens in terms of death, job losses and other temporary situations. But to have one person shouldering the whole extended family is not just Black Tax, it is cruelty which is sanctioned by the one being taken advantage of.
So, before you send that money to the village, please take care of yourself!.
