Judge Mbadwa,
I submit this urgent petition to your honourable bench following the delightful news that the Nyasaland Ministry of Water Development has finally approved new and forward-thinking water tariffs. While certain habitual unpatriotic elements might construe these modest price adjustments as “out of reach,” I rise to set the record straight and allay all baseless panic.
My Lord, let us address the persistent detractors who incessantly blurt out that water and electricity are becoming luxury goods. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Consider our esteemed citizens in the Central Region, who have been blessed with a minor tariff adjustment of 69.99 percent. Uninformed critics claim this is a political penalty because certain districts failed to vote correctly for the People’s Demagogic Party (PDP).
I reject this slander! This 69.99 percent is not a punishment; it is a VIP subscription fee. It is a one-time gateway payment for a modern, state-of-the-art water treatment ecosystem. In fact, after paying this small premium, citizens should be so transformed that they will never complain about paying for water again!
Furthermore, we must applaud the ministry for granting the Southern Region Water Board a modest 50 percent boost, while making life infinitely more refreshing for the good people of Lilongwe and Blantyre at a giveaway increase of 20 percent and 36 percent, respectively.
My Lord, the philosophical math is simple: If water is life, and life itself is expensive, by what logic should citizens expect to receive life on a silver platter?
Let the record reflect that this tariff increase is a masterstroke in public health, which is a revolutionary strategy designed to eliminate cholera once and for all. Under the previous administration, cholera cases surged in urban centres. Why? Because water was far too cheap! When tap water is practically free, citizens drink it recklessly. By pricing water appropriately, we encourage responsible, minimalist consumption. No water, no cholera. Problem solved.
My Lord, critics also moan about party political operatives taking over State-Run Enterprises (SREs). But look at the immediate results! Replacing stubborn and highly paid technocrats with loyal party cadres was the breath of fresh air these parastatals needed. For years, people accused SREs of having only one lazy formula for underperformance: raise tariffs or beg the Treasury for a bailout. Our new politically appointed leaders have boldly proven that wrong by doing… well, precisely both, but with unmatched patriotic flair!
Soon, our water boards will declare record-breaking profits harvested straight from the pockets of the masses. This completely vindicates our long-standing theory: politicians make far better CEOs than engineers. After all, in Nyasaland, whether you are a Cabinet Minister or a Parastatal CEO, you are primarily hired to look impressive behind a mahogany desk anyway. Why pay for expertise when charisma is so much cheaper?
Finally, to those urban dwellers crying that their meagre monthly salaries cannot absorb a 70 percent tariff hike: the government has provided a seamless and market-driven solution. They are cordially invited to pack their bags and relocate back to their ancestral villages.
In the village, fresh, artisanal water from unprotected shallow wells and muddy river streams remains 100 percent free and completely free of government interference. Is this not a visionary and eco-friendly policy to decongest our cities while promoting a return to nature?
I rest my case, My Lord.
Yours in perpetual thirsty loyalty,
John Citizen
