Dear Judge Mbadwa,
My Lord,
I am writing to you from the luxurious comfort of my vehicle bonnet at a local filling station, where I have now established permanent residence alongside hundreds of fellow motorists. We are proudly commemorating two uninterrupted months of what must surely be Nyasaland’s most ambitious fuel conservation programme to date, otherwise known as a fuel shortage.
Indeed, this prolonged national camping exercise has had unexpected benefits. For instance, it has afforded us the rare privilege of rubbing shoulders with the venerable Nyasaland Mayor of Kabula, of the famous “no classmate” doctrine. Until this crisis, I had foolishly assumed the duties of a mayor involved mundane matters such as sanitation, infrastructure and local development. How delightful to discover that a crucial mayoral responsibility is actually supervising fuel queues and protecting motorists from queue-jumping opportunists.
The mayor has embraced this role with such devotion that one wonders why the government has stopped halfway. If he can manage the queues, why not entrust him with sourcing the fuel itself? He is already doing everything else.
To say the situation has defied expectations would be a gross understatement. As Your Lordship may recall, the Honourable Minister of Energy John Thamanga solemnly assured the nation that the fuel crisis would be completely resolved by last Tuesday.
Naturally, we ordinary citizens made the rookie mistake of assuming the minister meant Tuesday immediately following his statement. We failed to appreciate that under the People’s Demagogic Party administration, time itself has become a highly flexible concept. In government chronology, ‘next week’ is merely a philosophical suggestion and ‘Tuesday’ is best understood as a spiritual destination rather than a specific day on the calendar.
One must admire the consistency of our leaders.
Only months ago, during campaign season, the PDP marched across platforms armed with ready-made solutions for every conceivable national problem. They had formulas. They had blueprints. They had masterclasses. Most importantly, they had confidence in ‘proven leadership’.
Today, the only thing they seem to have delivered instantly is the instant disappearance of petrol and diesel.
Still, it would be unfair to focus exclusively on the negatives. Filling stations have become vibrant centres of social interaction and national integration. Complete strangers now spend entire nights together discussing politics, football and survival strategies. The government deserves recognition for transforming forecourts into community-building hubs.
Who needs economic growth when people can strengthen social bonds at 3am while sleeping on concrete pavements?
The environmental achievements are equally impressive. By ensuring vehicles remain stationary for days on end, the authorities have dramatically reduced carbon emissions. Engine wear and tear has plummeted. Fuel consumption itself has nearly vanished. Environmentalists worldwide must surely be studying this revolutionary model in which the best way to reduce fuel usage is simply not to have fuel.
And let us not overlook the educational benefits. Citizens who previously travelled only by private vehicle have now become experts in public transport geography. Entire populations have discovered the existence of minibus stages they never knew existed. People from Kabula now speak fluently about Pachimtengo and Pamango and dozens of other destinations they had previously regarded as mythical places mentioned only by minibus conductors.
Predictably, some cynical critics have begun demanding the minister’s resignation over this two-month spectacle. I respectfully disagree.
Far from resigning, the minister deserves a national medal for innovation in public administration. After all, why squander precious foreign exchange importing hydrocarbons when an entire republic can apparently be powered by promises, press briefings and endlessly recycled deadlines?
If fuel truly ran on assurances, My Lord, Nyasaland would by now be exporting petrol to Saudi Arabia.
Yours faithfully,
John Citizen
