Dear judge Mbadwa,
I, Mapuya, the esteemed leader of the People’s Demagogic Party (PDP), a professor emeritus and the coveted dad of the ‘blue-eyed’ youths, I write to seek the indulgence of your tribunal on how I should proceed in legally handling the crisis that is before me and my party.
Having taught law for many years, I was appalled if not disgusted by the criticisms I received for inviting adults to a mini Heroes or Dean party in the gardens of my residence.
I don’t remember in my reading of the law that serving opaque beer to multitudes of throat-parched and broke students is a crime or a tort.
So, why is there a furore now over my benevolent acts?
My Lord, at the rate the court of public opinion is slaughtering me; I am left without any choice but to seek protection of the conventional court of yours.
Firstly My Lord, as a caring dad, I understand that the future of this country is in the hands of these youngsters who need to be pampered every now and then.
Don’t believe what my detractors are saying that this was a futile exercise aimed at soliciting an endorsement for my second term bid.
My Lord, is it even debatable that an incumbent is an automatic candidate for a party that is in government, especially in this part of Africa?
So, why should I need an endorsement from drunken students who can never vote at our party’s convention if we were to have one?
Now, you don’t order a benefactor who to invite to their home and what kind of beer to give to visitors if you haven’t contributed a penny.
When I was a law professor in the Tramping land, I was fascinated by binge-drinking orgies at university campuses.
As Chancellor of all public universities in Nyasaland, I wanted to relive that experience by inviting a few students to my Hilly Palace, but unfortunately critics are saying I wanted to use that occasion to isolate further Sauli Cloud who I hear wants to ascend into my office.
My Lord, why should a chancellor be restricted from entertaining his students? What law are they citing in stopping me from enjoying my right to numb the brains of innocent souls?
I invited Sauli as a self- acclaimed champion of the youth, a former Hero himself to lead fellow youths in partaking the stuff, but he did not pitch up.
So, instead of joining me in condemning Sauli for his lack of interest in an event organised by the First Citizen, some people have ganged up against me in the party, saying I cannot lead anymore because I have really grown too old to govern; hence my acting as a grand dad who buys his grand children beers and sponsors their sex parties.
By the way, next time don’t tell me to buy desks instead because as a Chancellor I decide how to pamper my students.
Now My Lord, should my party be allowed to be divided over opaque beer and the money I doled out?
I need a legal solution in this matter My Lord. I am ready to buy opaque beer for Sauli’s fans who were chanting his name at a function in Lilongwe. I know they need opaque beer, too, but our party should survive and I have unfinished business that I have to conclude in the term beginning May 2019.
Waiting to hear from you,