Wife, in-law plotting my downfall

Biggie,

Were it not for my maid, I would be rotting in jail by now. You see Biggie; this world is full of people with evil intentions.

Here is my problem. Mama and I have not been seeing eye-to-eye because, to be honest, our marriage is beyond redemption. It’s been on the rocks since the day we said ‘I do’. Her loudmouth, pot-throwing antics and tantrums forced me to find another woman who comforts me in times of need. The ‘spare wheel’ is caring and loving. She also has the kind of body any man will die for.

Lately, my wife, who has discovered that she is not the only woman in my life, has been trying to divorce me. In fact, our sweet 21-year-old maid overheard my wife and her younger sister (she is ugly to the bone) who stays with us planning to get rid of me for good. These two evil women want to plant evidence and accuse me of raping my ugly in-law. The scheme is to take a condom that my wife and I have used so that the in-law could smear her unsightly privates with my ‘seeds’ and complain to police that I have raped her. She plans to rush to the hospital to get paper- work to prove in court that I am an idiot who has been raping her and that she cannot take the abuse anymore!

They want me jailed for life. I am doomed biggie. I can’t trust my wife and now I can’t use condoms in my house. I even sleep with my eyes open these days, fearing they will ‘milk me’ at night! Biggie, what should I do?

Rico, Zomba

Dearest Rico,

First, have you ever heard of sayings ‘Whoever digs a pit shall fall into it? Whoever rolls a stone, it will come back on him?

Rico, your woman and her sister are playing with fire. Playing with your ‘seeds’ is the worst mistake the two can make. Do they know that your ‘seeds’ can actually infect your in-law’s private parts with all kinds of diseases. As you have rightly confessed, you are a man of many women and you are as dangerous as the ‘seeds’ you produce. So, do not worry, let them go ahead and infect themselves with it.

Secondly, stop using words you do not understand. The word evil is a judgement. Old texts say that when you label people as ‘evil’ or as ‘bad’, you block your ability to see that they come from the same source that created you. If your wife is evil, it is because you are equally evil. Removing judgement allows you to extend compassion not only to them, but also to yourself. Through compassion, my brother, you can heal from all this drama. Do not forget that you are the one who gave the evil-doers—in this case your wife and her ‘ugly’ sister—starring roles in your life drama.

Thirdly, Rico, I want to repeat to you what I recently told James on this page. Your problem is self-inflicted and I do not see the morality of helping you ahead of deserving people who have some really serious marital problems.

BMW is a serious advisory space, not a sanctuary for cheating husbands who are too stupid that they even get caught by their wives.

My dear Rico, being caught is stupidity of the worst kind, a crime punishable by death by hanging and the body being dragged in the streets.

There is no cure for stupidity. Trust me.

Finally, since I have no time for your likes, the only advice I can give you is: Stop using condoms in your own home or anywhere else, man up get tested and start living an honest life with your wife.

Big Man Wamkulu, SC