Mistress is wasting my money, should I dump her?

Dear BMW,

I have never been satisfied with having just one woman in my life. I think in a man’s life there should always be a “side dish to complement the main dish”. Don’t get it twisted Biggy, I am happily married, and has been married for 10 years, but in those 10 years, I can tell you, my life would have been boring without side chicks.

I love my wife dearly, and have no intention of leaving her, but I need that additional partner who will bring adventure to my life. To me it’s about fun and pleasure. I don’t go out looking for a side chick, but I do find them on Facebook or at church where I am a retired session clerk.

In all my relationships with these women I have no financial obligations to them. So I prefer to date those from the “upper middle classes” who won’t depend on me for cash. Few of them are actually married.

BMW, keeping my side chicks secret is not always fun as I always have to change ‘venues’ to avoid being caught or be spotted by uncultured neighbours. I am always on alert and I ensure that I erase any evidence of cheating.

Now that’s where my problem is; last Friday, I picked up my side chick to take off some steam. As usual I booked an expensive room, ate expensive food with her and took a few hard drinks, only for the lady to say she was not in the mood.

You see, I am aware that having multiple sexual partners increases the risk of contracting STI’s and HIV, so I use a condom religiously. On this day, I had bought two Rough Rider packs. These CD’s are expensive as hell. Because I did not use them, I had to erase evidence by throwing them away. As you can see Biggy, this woman wasted a lot of my money!

Should I dump her?

Session Opuma via WhatsApp, Jo’burg

 A Session Opuma,

You are a disgrace. Don’t call yourself Session Opuma because that will put me in a very bad situation of categorising you. I am not one of those who make hasty generalisations. You don’t have to hide behind the evil you were doing behind being a session clerk once. You are a disgrace, not Session Wopuma. Don’t forget that ‘W’ because it is only you. If you can’t get your Chichewa grammar correct, there is no sense you can punch.

Clearly, all your escapades and misdeeds have nothing to do with you being a former alembi or not. It is about the evil and demons in you. These evil spirits that have to be exorcised from your guilty soul.

I care no hoot that you may have found yourself at the helm of some church by crooked means to hook women. Actually, that is what you did. You soiled the pulpit, and even the session. You are just shameless.

And, to add to that, you are as poor as a church mouse! You are an opportunist and a shame to the male species of the human genus. That is why you go for women you won’t spend a penny on. You are a shame.

Let me tell you. Get this straight in that sorrowful cloud up your head insensible people can call a brain. Since Adam, men must pay for all the sins they commit with women or even where women commit the sins on their behalf, it is men who MUST pay.

Hey, you are an unnecessary bundle of contradictions. Which women are you wasting your money on? You are wasting women’s time and money and you beg for mercy? You can’t have my sympathy. Happy birthday.

For that matter, you are as stingy as a dormouse. You call wastage on two Rough Rider packs a concern for you? Yet, you wanted to use those six condoms for free? You are a shame to the rest of we men. You must be buried before your variety is carried on into the next generation.

All women should never be in touch with you. You are a shame.

Get a life and keep breathing munthu wopuma iwe!

Big Man Wamkulu