Dear BMW,
I am a desperate husband. My wife is not cheating with another man, but with her phone. TikTok has become her new lover.
She spends hours scrolling, laughing at silly dances, copying recipes she never cooks, and following men who flex their six-packs. When I try to talk to her, she silences me like I am a noisy child disturbing her “quality time.”
We no longer have real quality time between us and the passion is waning.
At night, instead of cuddling me, she cuddles her phone. She even sleeps with earphones on, giggling in her dreams. I have tried everything: hiding the Wi-Fi router, switching off the electricity, even pretending to be sick so she would pay attention. Nothing works.
My children now say, “Daddy, ask TikTok if we can eat.” My marriage feels like a threesome — me, her, and TikTok.
BMW, is this not adultery of the digital kind? Should I confront her or just accept that I have lost my wife to the algorithm?
TikTok Widower, via WhatsApp, Mzuzu
Dearest TikTok Widower,
Your wife is not married to you. She is married to the algorithm.
Let me explain: a good wife cooks nsima while humming your praises, irons your shirts until they shine like mirrors, and kneels when serving you water. A good wife does not spend midnight hours watching strangers dance like headless chickens.
In fact, the best wives like mine (all six of them, before they ran away) delete TikTok, Facebook, and WhatsApp the moment they say “I do.” They know that marriage is about serving the husband, not serving the algorithm.
A good wife will even block all men online, including her cousins, just to prove loyalty. She will post only one picture: her husband’s face, every day, until the internet itself gets bored.
So, do you have a problem? No. The problem is not yours. The problem is that you are married to a phone addict who has replaced you with Wi-Fi.
Ndithudi, most men would kill to have a wife who cooks and kneels, but here you are competing with TikTok.
Adona anuwo adzaona polekera!
Big Man Wamkulu
