Thank you, SPC Colleen Zamba

We are still here in Lilongwe, Cashgate City, as our Capital City is known amongst its detractors. You may recall that  Thursday, the week before last, our leader of delegation, the Genuine Professor Abiti Dr Joyce Befu, MG 66 and MEGA-1, had ordered that we have lunch at the Msundwe Barracks Restaurant, Gateway Mall, in Lilongwe.  Alhajj Mufti Jean-Philippe LePoisson, SC, and I, the Mohashoi, are pleased to report that the meals we had ordered, that is, grilled quarter chicken à la Msundwe with frites Lizuluae did not disappoint our palates.

In fact, Jean-Philippe was all praises for the waitress that we got nauseated.  But, those of you who know Jean-Philippe will not be surprised that the man never bothers about compliments or criticism. He knew we were not pleased with his praises for the waitress whose job was to serve good meals and get paid a salary; not praises.

“Can you, for once, learn to appreciate good work?” Jean-Philippe had asked, laughingly.

“The meal is good,” I had said.

“As good as the waitress herself, you should say, ” Jean-Philippe had joked, full of mirth.

Yesterday, Friday, we decided to pay a surprise visit to Colleen Zamba, Secretary to the President and Cabinet (SPC), the head of the civil service in Malawi. If you are a civil servant, the SPC is your ultimate boss. It does not matter how you entered the civil service. Whether it was through a political party in government, the SPC is your boss. Whether it was through a political party in opposition, the SPC is your boss. Whether it was through a genuine interview or fake interview, the SPC is your boss.

Any civil servant who does not obey the SPC, does so at one’s own risk because essentially you are also disobeying the president and his or her Cabinet. Now, the president and Cabinet is the Sanhedrin in Malawi. Forget about talk of separation of powers, independence of this body from that body, and other lofty terms plural democracy has forced on Malawi. The boss in Malawi is the president and her or his SPC is the boss of all Malawians labouring under the president. 

Proof? Only the president can appoint and dismisses an SPC.

So, we drove to Capital Hill in our newly-acquired vehicle, the Lisani Savara, all-wheel drive, day running lights (drl), bomb proof, self-inflating tyres, 360-degree camera and driver assistance technology. It was ordered from Moscow, Russia, and arrived in Malawi three weeks ago.  We cleared it last week.

We knew where the Office of the President and Cabinet is located at Capital Hill. So, we drove straight and parked the Savara in the SPC’s parking space. Her car was not there because we hear the SPC, Colleen Zamba, does not like ‘owning’ a public car. Immediately she is dropped off, the car can go for other official duties.

We were walking the steps when we were stopped by a rather lean and malnourished guard.

“How can I assist, you, Sirs and Madam?” the guard asked, politely.

“We have come to see the SPC, Ms Colleen Zamba,” Abiti said.

“Why? Do you have an appointment?” the guard asked, matter-of-factly.

“An appointment for what? We were told there is an open-door policy here,” Jean-Philippe said.

“Open-door? If toilet doors get closed, how about those of an important office as that of the SPC?’” the guard protested, smiling mildly.

“Well,” I said, “We came to congratulate and thank her for her courage to tell her juniors to be serious in the way they write government documents. Cabinet papers, reports, and other serious documents meant for the president’s attention deserve seriousness in terms of grammar, sentence structure, choice of words, and consistency.  Most of the documents we read sound like WhatsApp posts.”

“Nice observations. Now, can you put what you have said in writing and submit it to her typist who will submit it typewritten to her Personal Assistant who will submit it to the principal secretary who will submit it to her office.”