Wife is too quiet, is she planning to kill me?

Dear BMW,

I am 32-year-old hustler and a damn city rocker. I have been married for about two years and so far our marriage has been working out well despite the fact I have upped my ‘skirt-chasing ways’ since saying I do. You know, pajatu enafe ndi kalanka!

If I my confess Biggie, and I will tell you in my sleep, I am a player to boot. My side chicks are spread across the nation, some even have my kids. Machine achimwene. On several occasions, my wife has caught me red handed with a side chick or a hooker. Yet, despite all my escapades she remains calm.

When we are together, she just sits by herself, fiddling her phone and has no stories to share with me. Even when I do something that annoys her, she will not tell me. Two weeks ago, an incident happened. I accidentally forgot my phone (it has no password) and I have a feeling she peeked through the phone to read, see and watch all the dirt that I keep in it. When I went home that evening, she was calm as if nothing had happened.

Even if I go out with the boys to drink and come home in the wee hours, she opens the door, warms the food and goes back to bed without saying a word. Life for me has been this good for the past two years. But deep down my heart, I feel like something is cooking up inside her. I live in her house as she is the one who has a stable job and I fear she might one day throw me out.

Should I start sleeping with one eye open?

Please advise me.

City rocker, via WhatsApp, Blantyre

Dear City rocker,

Certainly, you do not rock her world. That’s it, no more. You want less?

To her you are a nobody, a piece of rug or one of the many things she owns in the house. To her you no longer exist. For that matter, you should be ashamed as you thought you were playing cheaters on her, when she was shagging your neighbour hard!

If I am to be frank with you, I sneer at people who often call themselves ‘hustlers’. Poverty line liars of your sort often live beyond your means. You might have tricked this woman to marry you and now that she knows who you truly are, she has cut you out of her life, emotionally.

Hustlers and city rockers like yourself are often dependent on soft loans from friends. They keep a chain of girlfriends to validate themselves of their existence. They go around driving other people’s cars, showing off as if they have assets, when they have none. They even borrow clothes from the boxer to socks to brag that they have a closet full of designer labels.

If I were your wife, I would have opened a case against you in court for impersonation—you pretended to someone else to win her over. You are nothing but a conman.

I would also mobilise all your girlfriends you have impregnated over the years to demand child support pronto. Yes, I would track them all.

If I were you I would start sleeping with one eye open because this woman of yours, I can tell you is angry. No woman in this country would tolerate such nonsense for two years.

But let us assume that I am wrong, she is just one good woman, man, you are lucky and I would not mind if you shared her digits so that I can call her on your behalf and find out how she feels about you. Is that too much to ask?

Samala waponda mwala ameneyo!

Big Man WamkuluNOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 998-110-975. No calls please!