I am tired of spending holidays at his village

Dear BMW,

I have been married to a stingy banker for 10 years, and each time he takes his annual leave, he begs me to accompany him on holiday.

But BMW, his holiday is a nightmare to me because he insists on spending the entire holiday, which is 25 days, in his village in the North. I am not being rude BMW, but I am a town woman and I love spending my precious time in the city. Although I do not work, I prefer to stay at home to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians on TV and do other things such as shopping at bend-down boutique (kaunjika) in Limbe or Mbayani, than spend 25 days sweeping my rude mother-in-laws compound, drawing dirty water from a well which animals use and fetching firewood in the bush.

BMW, to add insult to injury, my hubby’s relatives are all nasty, his sisters are b**chy and his parents’ home is so shady. It is full of flies, smoke, dirty pit latrine and lots of scruffy kids. Worse, my hubby disappears every night to his cousin’s house and often comes back smelling funny.

Old man, help me. Why can’t we go to the lake like most bankers do?

Should I leave him?

Lady C, via WhatsApp, Blantyre City South.


 Dearest Lady C,

People should have warned you; you can take a boy out of the village but you can’t take the village out of him. Your husband, I guess to be a banker, must have graduated and went to train further possibly at some London School of Economics, but I can bet with my last coin, he is still an idiot that he was before all the education.

I know you swore to stick with him for better or worse, but no woman should endure this. In future, let him go to his village and squat over that filthy pit latrine and bond with his rude mother and annoying sisters alone.

As far as BMW is concerned, there is no law that says you can’t drive to the lake without him for a week. After all, you have all the time in the world. So go, my dear, and spoil yourself. Go, have a ‘me time.’ Read a good book. Sip some chilled red wine with the lake waves lolling gently in the distance. Get some fresh air, go nude on the beach and show off your sexy curves that your mama gave you while you reflect on your plans for the future.

Because I can tell you, with my hand on my chest that his mother and sisters have all along been inciting him to marry the village cousin, you hate. Biggie also suspects the cousin is the woman his mother wanted him to marry. That woman, I can tell you has his kids!

So don’t be fooled, stop the nonsense once and for all.  After all that would be good riddance as the two villagers would so deserve each other anyway?

Moyo odalira mwamuna basi, take yourself to the lake!



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