Dear Judge Mbadwa,
My Lord, I rise this morning to register a motion of profound gratitude to the custodians of our national reserves. While unpatriotic citizens are busy making noise on social media about the critical shortage of surgical gloves in our public hospitals, they fail to see the bigger and grander national strategy at play.
My Lord, the running out of foreign exchange and the subsequent disappearance of rubber gloves, syringes and basic medical supplies, is not a crisis. It is a deliberate, high-level biological upgrade for the Nyasa race!
For far too long, My Lord, our healthcare system has depended on Western, imported latex. Why should a sovereign, independent nation waste precious forex importing thin strips of foreign rubber just for a doctor to check a patient’s temperature or deliver a baby? Is that not a continuation of colonial dependency?
By cleverly allowing the forex reserves to dry up like a puddle, our leaders have forced us into the ultimate phase of self-reliance: The Natural Thickening of the Nyasa Epidermis.
My Lord, if you walk into any casualty ward today, you will witness true resilience. Our nurses and medical staff, having run out of gloves, have developed knuckles so tough, calloused and battle-hardened that no microbe, virus or tropical disease can penetrate them! Who needs latex when God gave us dermis? Our health workers are now performing procedures with hands forged like local iron.
In fact, My Lord, the average Nyasa has adapted so miraculously to this environment that we no longer just tolerate hardship; our bodies are physically evolving to conquer it!
My Lord, consider the cost savings! While neighbouring countries waste millions of US dollars importing medical consumables, Nyasaland is pioneering ‘Bare-Knuckle Medicine’. If a doctor needs to conduct an examination, he simply sanitizes his hands with pure national pride and proceeds! If a woman is in labour, the community brings collective resilience to the delivery room.
There are, of course, mischievous elements calling on the Nyasaland Minister of Health and the Reserve Bank Governor to resign over the missing gloves. But I ask you, My Lord: why penalise visionary leaders who are actively hardening the population for the Apocalypse?
If anything, Tonse Buleya’s country and the rest of the Western world should send their soft-skinned medical students to Nyasaland to learn how to deliver a baby, fight malaria and survive a 72-hour power blackout using nothing, but bare hands and sheer willpower!
My Lord, we do not need forex. We do not need gloves. We have our tough knuckles, our unbroken spirits and our endless patience.
I pray that this honourable Tribunal dismisses all complaints regarding hospital supplies with costs. Let the forex remain missing until every Nyasa develops hands as tough as elephant hide ready to fight poverty, disease and governance with our bare fists!
I rest my case.
Yours in patriotic immunity,
John Citizen
