My cheating ex has moved in nearby

Dear BMW,

Before I married five years ago, I had a serious boyfriend who I met in college, but dumped me for someone else, a drunkard. At the time, I was devastated.

However, I moved on and I am happily in love with my husband.

The ex-boyfriend married the drunk he left me for and having not seen him all this time, they have moved into a house just around the corner.

I’ve seen them around a bit and he waves at me as he drives past our house, but I have never spoken to him. But to be honest BMW, he has lit up the fires in my loin again. I feel shaken and wonder if I can cope with having him live so nearby. Every time I see him, I feel like I should grab him and kiss him passionately like we used to. I am so tempted to go back to him.

Last week, I had wet dreams about him and I suggested to my husband that we should move houses, but when he asked why we should leave the home we built, I can’t bring myself to explain.

Please help, should I move out of Lilongwe?

Coco Girl, via WhatsApp, Area 49, Lilongwe

 Dear Coco Girl,

I wonder why you feel so bad about this. If anyone should feel embarrassed and awkward, it is him, not you. Moving is a drastic solution; you are happily in love with your husband and your ex seems happy with his drunkard wife, so why turn your life upside down for such an idiot?

And by the way, what do you do? What does your hubby do?

I can’t imagine people who conduct normal business to think of relocating from Lilongwe! It is more than strange. It is quite funny.

What is funnier (sic) is the fact that this is your own house. Hey, give us a good break.

But then, why are you so jittery about this ex of yours? It is evident you are just jealous of your drunkard mkazi mnzako. If not, then why would you be having wet dreams while you and your husband are under the same sheets?

You see, have you ever wondered why your ex was cheating on you? It is simply because you try to pretend to be holy in bed. Coco, there is no holiness when only the four walls are watching and listening.

The unfortunate thing is munataya nkhanga kuona mawanga a nkhwali. Now, you are regretting that the man you thought would satisfy you in bed has proven to be unworthy a tambala, as in a cock not the Malawian version of a cent.

That is the second reason you are having wet dreams with him around.

If I were in your shoes, I would do all it would take to coax this ex for at least a shag. But, chances are high that he would not go for you. That is because he knows you are weak in bed.

Merry Christmas, Coco.