Wife nags, should I divorce her?

Dear BMW,

I have an extremely stressful job as a journalist and I need to blow off steam after work (no pun intended). Going straight home to my wife and kids doesn’t provide the sort of decompression I need—in fact, it often makes things worse—so that is rarely my first stop when my shift ends.

Usually, I’ll go to Emirates—don’t dare to think about Arsenal’s home turf, it’s a bar—and have a beer or two. I don’t get drunk or anything, but I just need to talk with the buddies and ogle at the barmaid (what a posterior she has) to take the edge off.

All my buddies, mbwiyawo, included have married friends whose partners are OK with them going and having a drink after work, but my wife doesn’t like it and won’t let me do what I need to do to be able to come home in a good state of mind. Biggy, here I talking having only about an hour or an hour and a half to unwind. But wifey is strict and wants me to go straight home from work every day before 6pm.

What bothers me is that she doesn’t trust me and thinks that when I am out, I am pounding some woman who lives off the streets. Whether I’m going to a pub or going to the gym makes no difference to my wife.

What should I do? I need some escape. Please help Biggy.

JWC, Chilomoni, Blantyre via Word of Mouth

Dearest JWC,

You are lazy in bed and that’s the reason the wife thinks you are out there practising your antics on some teenagers who line up the streets. No man, let me repeat, no man who lits up his house before he leaves the house gets a call from his wife when he is out with the boys. By lighting up the house, I do not mean what you think. I mean, a man should leave the wife satisfied. Do you do that? You don’t.

You see my boy a well-pounded woman should run scared whenever ‘you approach the bench’. A crazy friend of mine dives in every morning and says he is ready to get crushed between his wife’s luscious butt. He once said: “It would be a cool way to die, in spite of everything. After all, if they say that a driver wants to die driving his car, it means that a caring hubby must die rocking his wife.” I can’t agree more.

However, I do understand how you feel. And I know you are not alone on this one. Studies do show that women are the major source of psychological and emotional problems and nagging, pesky women can make men throw themselves into Shire River. I mean, a man would do anything to be rid of such a woman. And reading your lips, I see one in you.

There are ways to avoid picking fights with a pesky wife such as avoid responding to their ‘interrogations.’ So, when she begins quarrelling or complaining, give her the silent treatment. It will cool her demons. A nagging wife is always looking through her hubby’s phone for incriminating evidence. So always lock your phone.

Lastly, a nagging wife thinks she is clever and knows everything. So my dear, avoid telling the truth as that will mean you are looking for trouble. So, keep it under wraps lest it be used against you in future. Lie,lie,lie!

You are a free man in a free country, let no woman trouble you my son. Asakuphe ndi BP ndi za ziii. Go out and have fun.

Ndanena, ndanenanso,

Big Man Wamkulu

NOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 998-110-975. No calls please!

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